Why I hate iPhones

DISCLAIMER – This piece might leave you pissed off.

Anyone who knows me well will know that I have a strong hate of iPhones. These smug little gadgets gnaw away at my brain like some pestilent disease whenever I see a room full of them. Whenever anyone challenges my opinion I usually struggle to put into words just how much I hate them. So anyone who wants to know why I hate them so much and why my opinion about these is so against the grain then read on. If you’re the sort of person who is easily offended or might actually consider ritually burning the thing after you have digested this then you have been warned.

iPhones are technically brilliant things. They look sleek, and have a crisp, clear, and relatively user friendly touchscreen. And, it is not made by Microsoft so you don’t have to wait an eternity for the thing to boot and it won’t inconveniently shut itself off just for it to update its software. There are a few minor issues when it comes to uploading music to the device and trying to set music as a ringtone or whatever but that is a trait of buying something from a company that is desperately trying to assert itself as THE market brand for all things technological. The HD video camera is good, the screen is big enough, it’s quite heavy so you know when it’s in your pocket and from what I hear the after care service is pretty good. Great stuff, but it still does not make me warm to it.

For a start, the iphone is so pretentious if it actually had a voice and an arse it would demand to be licked at every possible opportunity. It’s called an ‘i’Phone for fucks sake. Straightaway I’m thinking of socio connotations. It sounds like it should be a high maintenance, self centred, early twenty something’s, preppy right wing toffs remote control into a more perfect and elitist existence. But the more I’ve thought about it the more I’m thinking about a mentally deficient child who’s just figured out how to call their mother in the next room: “Look mummy!!...iiiiii-Phooooonnnnne yooouuuuuuuu!!!”

Apps, like all games are a way of escapism. At least if you’re in the company of other app users then you can escape reality together as you slash pieces of fruit with your finger, or projectile two dimensional creatures, destroying some scaffolding, and believing that they are in some way saving the virtual species of some pissed off birds. So I have rebranded apps with a new term: Conversation Replacement Apathy Products, or Crap for short. More and more useless and malignant Crap can be downloaded for free or for a small price. And the primary function of this isn’t done to help pass time by some new creative means, it’s so the user can show off their new Crap finds with mates like some pioneering virtual Crap explorer.

If you don’t have an iPhone, then that makes you a loser. No two ways about it. A new Nokia N8 or HTC just isn’t cool enough I’m afraid. Even though you get nearly exactly the same Crap as an iPhone you are alienated from the masses and pitied like some ageing, arthritic dog begging not to be put down. There is no way in to the VIP section of the iPhone elite until you get one; your just left breathing heavily and your nose pressed hard against the window looking into some morbid virtual dreamworld. “What the fuck is Angry Birds all about, please tell me more? Have I seen the Crap that ages you? Yes, I’ve got the picture on my Facebook somewhere, it made me laugh for about 30 seconds before I had to remind myself that because I don’t have an iPhone I’m not allowed to be amused by it. Instead I’m far too poor and stressed so I make do by smoking ten a day in the hope I’ll have REAL crows’ feet appearing soon.”

The problem for me is that I really have no need for an iPhone and all the promises of downloadable Crap. But this means I’ll have no common ground with the iPhoners. All I want in a phone is something that will easily connect to the internet, reads e-mails, takes basic pictures and text. Oh, and of course makes phone calls, something that the latest generation of iPhones seems to struggle with.

Apparently the genius designers at Apple did not take into account that some mentally superior and articulate individuals in the world are left handed. The iPhone 4 has a stainless steel case which acts as the antenna of the phone itself. By holding the phone in the bottom left hand corner you effectively ‘bridge’ the gap between two sections of the antenna therefore cutting reception. Apple claim that all mobile phones have sensitive areas where firm contact may possibly interfere with a phones performance. Well if they knew this, why didn’t they think to resolve the issue before releasing it for sale? Oh yeah, silly me. They can make more money from it by selling rubber johnnies to go around the phone.

I love the irony in that telephones were designed to make communication easier, yet the iPhone has done the complete polar opposite. Not only has it not addressed a major technical issue with the reception, but if you sit in a room full of iPhone users talking to each other about real life issues, then at some stage the conversation reaches a brief period of awkward silence where perhaps reality becomes just a little too scary. Then they will simultaneously get their iPhones out to escape the nightmare before it gets too much, and you are left to make your own entertainment with your pathetic Nokia. But for all non iPhone users you can take pleasure in the knowledge that for the next 15 minutes while you are alienated from this ritual, you will remain psychologically and mentally pure while they will all become absorbed in their Crap.